Tuesday, May 7, 2013

Being Gay Part One: Gay, Taken and Not Opposed to Shaking.....

    I've been out of the closeted for about three years as a non-heterosexual. For the first two years I called myself bisexual knowing good and well I wanted nothing to do with what was going on with the ladies 'down south'. I've been living as an openly gay man for a little over a year and its been the first year I really started living in my gay identity. It's been a rough road getting to where I am now and you know what? I wish someone had given me some sort of pamphlet on how to be gay and what gay can be. For example:

1) Gay Doesn't Equal Slutty- When I came out of the closet as a true gay man up until that point I had been basically been living as a Buddhist monk. I hadn't had sex since 2008 and it was starting to drive me crazy. So around August of 2012 I started working out and losing weight. I was 340 then and I'm about 255 now so I've lost almost a hundred pounds. Back in October when I started trimming down and feeling sexier I started seeing guys I met from Craigslist. I was letting every dick that strolled down by alley pop into my mouth. I've always loved sucking dick. I love the saltiness, the texture, the smell of manly aroma rising up from my man's hair coated family jewels. This barrage of slutty behavior led me to sleeping with married men, closeted daddies and barely legal boys looking for a good time.

But this way of life started to become empty after a while. It didn't help that admist my romping about I was still trying to forget about a boy I was in love or thought I was in love with. In mid January of this year I decided I was going to become celibate for six months. I wanted to be able to learn about who I was as a gay man outside of who I slept with. This is something none of the gays I knew had schooled me on. I had to learn this for myself all the while I was letting sexy redneck married men cum in my mouth and call me their baby.

2) Gay Men are Teenage Girls- Now of course I'm not referring to all gay men. However you can tell that some guys seriously wanted to be Regina George while growing up. Being black, somewhat overweight, non traditionally attractive and dressing nothing like a model from JCrew has not served me well. I've lost a considerable amount of weight and I dress alright. I always said I dressed for myself and I have but now I'm starting to get into the notion of dressing to attract men. Sure I have a boyfriend but I like being oogled. It's an immature approach to our poorly constructed reality but I like being able to transverse the waters of the oceans I dwell in. A disproportionate amount of gay men my age are heaviy consumed with how much body weight someone has, where he bought his clothes from and if he's black or Asian you better hope he's got a fetish.

3) Being Single Makes You Appreciate Gay Rights More- Right now I'm dating a guy who whenever I'm around him makes me want to marry him. He is on paper everything I've wanted and of course as with life some things I did not. He's a sweet impulsive Aries country boy who loves me for who I am and not want I should be. In return I serve the purpose to help him become the man he wants to be and lift him up. I love the real him but I want him to be the ideal him because that is his goal. I stand by him through whatever and I look forward to what could possibly become of our relationship. When I was single this isn't someone I saw myself being. I saw myself being the submissive obedient bottom boy who sucked my man's dick, let him ram my ass and made him a sandwich afterwards. But this was an idealized version of romance and I hadn't yet experienced what really loving someone meant.

It's for this reason that I have more of a personal connection to the marriage equality fight. I am the type of person who unless it directly affects me I don't feel a tie to it. Of course I support the movement but because I was single I didn't really care. This is a selfish and short sighted view and I've grown or am trying to grow out of this. But being with my boyfriend makes me realize how important this issue truly is. I never really try to see myself as different because of my sexuality. Sure I like cock and I act feminine but I always saw it in a normative way. Being with him shows me how although I don't see myself as different legally I am. Our love and the life we want to build together isn't seen as equal in the eyes of the United States Federal Government for the time being. I someday would like to marry my boyfriend and become his husband and start a family with him. I want the same exact thing I thought I had to be straight to have. I now understand the full gravitas of our movement now and being single showed me what I have to fight for now.

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