Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Being Black Part Three: I Swear Before God and Four More White People


   This is probably going to be the shortest blog post I've written. With marriage equality seeming to spread across this country like a wildfire it's been making me think a lot about my relationship. My boyfriend on paper is everything I ever wanted. He's a southern country boy, he's blonde, he's cut, he's sweet, he's generally more level headed and down to Earth and he loves me for me. It's only been two months going on three but I'm feeling like he could be the one. I won't lie and say I'm not falling in love with him. There is a catch though: he's in jail. We met in jail. It's a long story but I was in there a while ago for some nonsense and he I met each other there. But regardless of that he's proven to me time and time again he's a genuine loving man who wants nothing but to be there for me. 

He gets out of jail sometime around July hopefully and all I can think about is our future. I have other  things going on of course. School and trying to move out of my mother's house. Some things are out of my control right now but having him in my life is a somewhat stabilizing factor. There's stress of course with him being in jail but its a different kind of stress. It's the kind of stress that stems from knowing your life partner and soul mate is forcibly being kept away from you. With him in jail but still knowing I have his love it makes me feel more confident overall as a person. It strengthens me and helps me push forward. I always knew that when I fell in love not just with anyone but 'the one' he'd be the man who no matter the situation I'd feel this sense of strength and calm because I knew he was with me. He is with me in spirit although not right now in body. 

  I've been thinking a lot about where he and I go from here when he gets out. Even if I'm still at home by that point I'm having him live with me. My family is more or less not freaking out about the idea. He has two kids who I can't wait to meet. I always wanted kids and although this isn't the way I wanted them to come into my life I'm not surprised. I've become aware of the signs in my life in recent times. A friend of mine in a blended family told me that she could see me doing very well in a situation like hers. She has two children from her former marriage and her current one. I personally saw myself marrying my rugged blue collar husband and becoming new parents together. But maybe this is what I need.

I've been thinking about marriage a lot. I guess that happens when you start falling for someone. He's a beautiful soul and I love him. I sound like a broken record but its just that I've been waiting so long to be in love. I've been waiting so long to find someone worthy of me to love. That's an odd concept for me: worthiness. I used to think I wasn't worthy enough for someone to love me. But losing almost a hundred pounds and coming to the end of my education has helped. I'm trying to take everything one day at a time but my future with him is exciting. I can say now that if I was going to marry anyone of the men I've ever been with he's the one. He's not just someone I can see myself living with. He's someone I can't see myself living without.

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