Thursday, July 25, 2013

Sometimes I Wish I Was Bisexual....

   For a while I've been struggling with the feelings of whether or not I was bisexual. This isn't to say I wish I was straight because that life seems boring to me and there's something about my current life that I can't shake. I like being gay, I think. I do believe though at the core of my being I am someone who likes comfort and ease and social acceptance. I don't want to enjoy being with a woman. I enjoy gay sex and they freedom of sexuality I can get being openly gay that you just don't get living as a heterosexual. But I also wish life wasn't so damn hard. In a way I am envious of bisexuals. Yes I know openness and honesty is the hallmark to a relationship and all that bullshit. But to be quite honest with you I almost wish I was bisexual sometimes. I think the reason I am intolerant to male bisexuals is because I wish I could have it as good as they do, or as good as I perceive they have it.

A part of me wishes I could have sex with guys and have fun with that but then go right back to being socially accepted. The reason why I don't like bisexual men (I could care less about the women) is because I feel like there's nothing keeping them from 'going straight'. Now I know your sexual orientation doesn't change and all that blah blah blah. But of course they are living a heterosexual lifestyle and I envy that. I don't envy being attracted to women but I envy having social acceptance, having a partner your family, your friends and extended community are more than likely going to accept. I envy knowing that if you have children you don't usually have to go a variety of legal hurdles and have your family and your relationship discounted as not existing. I can see why many men go into the closet and stay there.

 If I were honestly bisexual I would be there myself because, and I apologize in advance, there is nothing in the gay community keeping me back if I could have all the ease of a heterosexual relationship. The Isaiah I am now can't imagine being wholeheartedly attracted to women. The Isaiah I am now can't imagine being attracted to both. But I can say that despite how much I love being with men if I could choose I'd choose the woman every time. Not because I loved her but because I just wanted social acceptance and less legal hassles as far as my personal life went.

You know a part of me envies asexual people as well. Sure there's a whole other slew of issues that comes with that but at least you're not feeling any sexual feelings at all. The problem with being bisexual or even being gay is that you're always going to have sexual desires you are going to want to act on. Being asexual you get to fall in love with the person. If I was a bisexual asexual I might choose the woman but I might choose the man. It would almost be more like fair game. To me I don't understand why a bisexual man would want to be in a relationship with another man. What can he give you? Can he give you social acceptance? No. Can he give you legal acceptance? No. Being with him is actually making you deficit when you could just be with a woman and forgo all of the shit involved with being gay.

They say in a few decades or even the generation being raised today bisexuality and homosexuality will be more open with more people being free to act on it. Maybe I was born too soon. Maybe I was born in the wrong body. Maybe I'm really a straight woman in a gay man's body. I don't know. I wonder if when this generation grows up will the growing population of bisexuals just use they homosexuals for pleasure but then go back to the heterosexuals for ease of lifestyle. It's unfair for me to cast my own desires onto other people. I can't change who I am now and that's as a homosexual male. I am in a relationship with another man and I feel trapped but that's got more to do with me always wanting to see what else is out there. Maybe if I were in a more fulfilling relationship I wouldn't be having these feelings. I don't think I'm bisexual. I wish I were so I could be accepted by the legal and social systems but I'm not. And I guess I just have to live with that.

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