I'm back!

I've decided to make my valiant return. So much to tell you guys. I'll post more soon

Sometimes I Wish I Was Bisexual....

   For a while I've been struggling with the feelings of whether or not I was bisexual. This isn't to say I wish I was straight because that life seems boring to me and there's something about my current life that I can't shake. I like being gay, I think. I do believe though at the core of my being I am someone who likes comfort and ease and social acceptance. I don't want to enjoy being with a woman. I enjoy gay sex and they freedom of sexuality I can get being openly gay that you just don't get living as a heterosexual. But I also wish life wasn't so damn hard. In a way I am envious of bisexuals. Yes I know openness and honesty is the hallmark to a relationship and all that bullshit. But to be quite honest with you I almost wish I was bisexual sometimes. I think the reason I am intolerant to male bisexuals is because I wish I could have it as good as they do, or as good as I perceive they have it.

A part of me wishes I could have sex with guys and have fun with that but then go right back to being socially accepted. The reason why I don't like bisexual men (I could care less about the women) is because I feel like there's nothing keeping them from 'going straight'. Now I know your sexual orientation doesn't change and all that blah blah blah. But of course they are living a heterosexual lifestyle and I envy that. I don't envy being attracted to women but I envy having social acceptance, having a partner your family, your friends and extended community are more than likely going to accept. I envy knowing that if you have children you don't usually have to go a variety of legal hurdles and have your family and your relationship discounted as not existing. I can see why many men go into the closet and stay there.

 If I were honestly bisexual I would be there myself because, and I apologize in advance, there is nothing in the gay community keeping me back if I could have all the ease of a heterosexual relationship. The Isaiah I am now can't imagine being wholeheartedly attracted to women. The Isaiah I am now can't imagine being attracted to both. But I can say that despite how much I love being with men if I could choose I'd choose the woman every time. Not because I loved her but because I just wanted social acceptance and less legal hassles as far as my personal life went.

You know a part of me envies asexual people as well. Sure there's a whole other slew of issues that comes with that but at least you're not feeling any sexual feelings at all. The problem with being bisexual or even being gay is that you're always going to have sexual desires you are going to want to act on. Being asexual you get to fall in love with the person. If I was a bisexual asexual I might choose the woman but I might choose the man. It would almost be more like fair game. To me I don't understand why a bisexual man would want to be in a relationship with another man. What can he give you? Can he give you social acceptance? No. Can he give you legal acceptance? No. Being with him is actually making you deficit when you could just be with a woman and forgo all of the shit involved with being gay.

They say in a few decades or even the generation being raised today bisexuality and homosexuality will be more open with more people being free to act on it. Maybe I was born too soon. Maybe I was born in the wrong body. Maybe I'm really a straight woman in a gay man's body. I don't know. I wonder if when this generation grows up will the growing population of bisexuals just use they homosexuals for pleasure but then go back to the heterosexuals for ease of lifestyle. It's unfair for me to cast my own desires onto other people. I can't change who I am now and that's as a homosexual male. I am in a relationship with another man and I feel trapped but that's got more to do with me always wanting to see what else is out there. Maybe if I were in a more fulfilling relationship I wouldn't be having these feelings. I don't think I'm bisexual. I wish I were so I could be accepted by the legal and social systems but I'm not. And I guess I just have to live with that.

Femininity Unchained

 

   Let me just straight up I have no issues with feminine gays being a feminine gay myself. Well actually I do have a problem with feminine gays. My problem is that whether it's forced or natural (and I deplore anything forced) is that they never come off strong enough. This is more so my issue with the media and their depictions than ones in real life. First let me give you my definition of strength. Strength and being a strong person is not a physical thing, it can be, but moreso it refers to someone's character and moral integrity and how well they as a person can embrace who they are and handle the world around them.

So getting back to my issue with femmy gays in the media is that they really come off as strong characters. They're 'fierce' which I guess means being bitchy and shallow and vapid and then calling it being 'strong'. No dears you've got it twisted. And despite the above gif I have no issue with gay men who refer to themselves as women or act like women because I believe gender roles are fluid and ever changing for some people. I used to be more masculine (if you can call it that) for a while until I realized I was gay and felt more free to embrace the other more true and natural side of my personality. For a while I thought embracing this meant being some sort of fashonista bitch. Hell I still am a fashionista bitch to a point but I've also realized that another side of my personality is a perfectionist who is empathetic and sees the beauty in everyone's flaws and dents and cracks and wants to make them the best flaws possible. I know that sounds weird and I'll explain it in another post.

But my point is that as I grew up I discovered yes I relate more to a female gender role despite being male but what women do I admire? And am I trying to emulate something I am not? In a way my behavior was forced because I was rebelling against the masculinity that was forced upon me by my father. But after a while I realized there had to be something deeper to me. Am I just one of those people who happens to be gay? Yes and no. First off that phrase bothers me because it implies that being gay is a 'thing'. Like you have to try and separate yourself from the herd because you don't want people thinking 'oh you're one of them'. The phrase 'happens to be gay' to me implies that your sexuality is just a blip or a mistake and in a way you're apologizing for it. Never apologize for you are. If you're a transgender drag king bisexual nudist go go dancer be proud.

But at the same time although my sexuality is very ingrained in who I am I won't lie and say that it's all there is to me. I feel a bit of shame typing that last statement because I feel like I am back peddling a bit and trying to downplay my sexuality. I'm not but think of it like this. My sexuality is like a foundation and then upon that is the studs and support beams like my ethnicity, my religion, my political beliefs, etc. All of those are massively affected by my homosexuality however they exist outside of who I sleep with. There are plenty of political and religious beliefs I hold that have little to nothing to do with the fact I can suck a dick so good it'll make the guy behind him cum. At the same time none of these tenets of my being exist within vacuum. Though not build upon one another they are parallel to one another and are brothers and sisters in the family that is the philosophy of me.

  So getting back to what I was saying earlier about feminine gay men not being strong enough. Look ladies we don't have to be toned athletic gym bunnies who are constantly looking for where we can get our next tattoo and piercing or twinkish fashionistas who are always criticizing people's outfits in public, even people we don't know. I mean we can be that don't think I'm saying don't be that. But I am saying be that and more. Now this applies to everybody: there is never a wrong time to look into yourself and become introspective. I've done it and I've found out a lot about myself. Not all of it related to my sexuality but some of it did. Be a femmy queen but be one of strong moral character who can be someone others can look at and say 'damn that dude is tough'. Don't be afraid to be the person who people don't like sometimes because you always tell the truth. Shy away not from being the moral compass to the world around you. Trudge fearlessly into the abyss that is our current society and do not hold back when it comes to being someone who will not be trounced upon.

Be you, be strong.

And yes that does sound like a slogan for a women's deodorant.

Trayvon Martin: In Defense

  I have really been trying to be silent on this issue concerning the court proceedings of Trayvon Martin's murderer George Zimmerman. What really has been pissing me off about a variety of things is not that Zimmerman's (I refuse to call him Mr.) defense saying Trayvon was armed with the sidewalk or opening up with a knock knock joke. They're assholes, I don't expect much from them. But what's pissing me off is how white people are acting like they both understand racism from a personal perspective and also how many are saying it has nothing to do with this.

Let me start off by saying no white person will truly understand what it is like to be a non white person in America, especially a black man. Whenever I see liberals white people trying to explain racism or 'combat racism' (you can combat it but the white way is usually by just rewriting or rebranding it as something else) it's like watching a monkey ride a bike. Sure he's smart and sure he looks cute doing it but you know he has no idea what he's doing. That being said I am guffawing with rage at whites from all walks trying to downplay this as a racial issue and as a gun law issue. Call me an emotionalist but as a black person especially in the south I know this is a racial issue.

To keep this article brief let me break it down for you: We know Zimmerman pursued the boy and was instructed not to. He referred to the boy as a suspect plenty of times in police reports as if he was an officer. This tells us that he already has pegged Trayvon as guilty. He did not know this child from a can of paint but because of his race, forget his hoodie, but his race he pegged the boy as a criminal and acted as if he knew him because of how he looked. This is supported by numerous phone calls to police not only about the boy but several other black people over the span of months. We know Zimmerman confronted the boy at some point. Exactly who threw the first punch is unclear. We know at some point there was a struggle. We know Zimmerman got the advantage by topping Trayvon as several Wittnesses recounted. We know the injuries given to Zimmerman by the victim were not life threatening. We know that this was not a simple matter of peace talks gone wrong. This was a matter of a white or a white identifying person believing they had the right to enact their own form of citizens martial law over black people simply because they believe they have authority over us.

Trayvon's past is irrelevant. If he started the attack then yeah. If he actually committed a crime then yeah go ahead. But what child hasn't had issues in schools and done weed, especially in Florida? If he were white he'd be a hipster. But because he's black he's a thug and he deserved to be shot before being questioned. Hell even the shooter couldn't understand why the child would be afraid. Our blackness is seen as our weapon. Our skin tone is our battle axe. Our melanin is our H-bomb. So our lives are up for play to people like him. His friend Rachel's demeanor and personality and past has nothing to do with her testimony. She isn't on trial. Trayvon isn't on trial. We cannot even be the victims. Our murders are even questioned to be murders. Our deaths are seen as thugs and welfare queens and hoodrats and parasites getting what was coming to them.

This is the great injustice and this is why Trayvon in fact needs defending because his legacy as a victim to a failure of a law and a legal system is being questioned. Zimmerman deserves a trial but if he were a big black man with the same violent criminal history and killed a white child who in this nation would be disputing he is guilty? No one would be questioning that a grown man could handle a child without a weapon but because the victim was black he is seen as possessing enough power to fight back unarmed against a gunsman. Our blackness is seen as giving us extreme strength and physical prowess but this is how they rob of us our humanity and our vulnerability to harm.

If There's a Prize for Rotten Judgement.....

   The past week has been trying to put it nicely and fucking shitty to put it not so nicely. I called got in touch with Ben's ex boyfriend Kenny last Friday and I asked him for some of Ben's stuff that he had at his apartment. It turns out that he had gave everything to Ben's baby momma and I've already gone into how I keep my interactions with her severely limited. So Kenny and I get to seriously talking and he tells me some things about my boyfriend I did not know and if I had not called him would of never known. Here's what I learned in order of how much it bothered me at the time:

1) HE STILL LIKES WOMEN!

2) He has schizophrenia 

3) He's abusive but in his defense that's when he's drunk. When he's sober he's alright on meds or off

4) He's on some serious medication

5) He's slept with men for money inculding to bond himself out of jail before

6) He may be partially racist because he's made some not so nice gestures to people of color in the past

7) He and his ex bf were engaged AFTER FOUR FUCKING MONTHS!

8) He may be having another baby but that might just be one of his baby Momma's friends fucking with us again. One of them has done this before but it begs the question of whether or not he's still into women. Apparently he's at least bisexual.

   So after having this eye opening talk with Ken I was swiftly falling out of love and that's a very good thing because otherwise what happened next would of seriously devastated me. So Monday I ride down to the jail and I speak to him and a few minutes in his says he doesn't wanna lead me on anymore and that he doesn't think this is gonna work and that we should just be friends. I was very cool with that because at this point I was just kinda done but we said we'd pick up where we left off when he got out whenever that was. I asked him about everything Kenny told me and Ben said he was lying and that he was probably just trying to get me mad. 

I was inclined to believe Ben because some things didn't add up but it didn't matter as much since at that point we would just be friends with emotional benefits. He had to leave early and so I started going home. Then Ken called me and asked me how it went I told him that it was relatively fine and that Ben and I were going to just be friends. Kenny saw the obvious flaw in this plan and sent me a picture of a letter Ben wrote to one of his friends, Kenny's neighbor. He then read it for me. What comes next is the nightmare of every black person who dates interracially:

" And yeah Sarah so some dumb nigger has been going around town saying that he is with me. Haha everyone knows that's not who I am or what I'm about" --Asshole I Called Myself in Love With

I wanted go vomit. Needless to say I think he should go fuck himself with the rustiest of spoons. So tomorrow I'm going down to the jail to tell him I'm done with his ass forever but not before I give him a chance to make a plea for his nuts. I can't believe I misjudged the fuck outta this one. I'm done with men for a very, very, very, very, long time. 

I may become a lesbian.

Being Black Part Four: Macho Man

  I'm gonna keep this one as short as possible and get straight to the point. Just because I am gay does not make me any less of a man. I know I've gone over this before but I want to take it into a different direction. Black people are so narrow in their vision in what being masculine is there is no way to be anything different. Yet we wonder why so many people feel alienated and then turn their backs on their 'blackness'. I ain't turning my back on blackness I'm turning my back on you niggas. I am black, I am a man and I happen to REALLY like dick. 

Get over it.

That is all.

Being Black Part Three: I Swear Before God and Four More White People

 

   This is probably going to be the shortest blog post I've written. With marriage equality seeming to spread across this country like a wildfire it's been making me think a lot about my relationship. My boyfriend on paper is everything I ever wanted. He's a southern country boy, he's blonde, he's cut, he's sweet, he's generally more level headed and down to Earth and he loves me for me. It's only been two months going on three but I'm feeling like he could be the one. I won't lie and say I'm not falling in love with him. There is a catch though: he's in jail. We met in jail. It's a long story but I was in there a while ago for some nonsense and he I met each other there. But regardless of that he's proven to me time and time again he's a genuine loving man who wants nothing but to be there for me. 

He gets out of jail sometime around July hopefully and all I can think about is our future. I have other  things going on of course. School and trying to move out of my mother's house. Some things are out of my control right now but having him in my life is a somewhat stabilizing factor. There's stress of course with him being in jail but its a different kind of stress. It's the kind of stress that stems from knowing your life partner and soul mate is forcibly being kept away from you. With him in jail but still knowing I have his love it makes me feel more confident overall as a person. It strengthens me and helps me push forward. I always knew that when I fell in love not just with anyone but 'the one' he'd be the man who no matter the situation I'd feel this sense of strength and calm because I knew he was with me. He is with me in spirit although not right now in body. 

  I've been thinking a lot about where he and I go from here when he gets out. Even if I'm still at home by that point I'm having him live with me. My family is more or less not freaking out about the idea. He has two kids who I can't wait to meet. I always wanted kids and although this isn't the way I wanted them to come into my life I'm not surprised. I've become aware of the signs in my life in recent times. A friend of mine in a blended family told me that she could see me doing very well in a situation like hers. She has two children from her former marriage and her current one. I personally saw myself marrying my rugged blue collar husband and becoming new parents together. But maybe this is what I need.

I've been thinking about marriage a lot. I guess that happens when you start falling for someone. He's a beautiful soul and I love him. I sound like a broken record but its just that I've been waiting so long to be in love. I've been waiting so long to find someone worthy of me to love. That's an odd concept for me: worthiness. I used to think I wasn't worthy enough for someone to love me. But losing almost a hundred pounds and coming to the end of my education has helped. I'm trying to take everything one day at a time but my future with him is exciting. I can say now that if I was going to marry anyone of the men I've ever been with he's the one. He's not just someone I can see myself living with. He's someone I can't see myself living without.